[tried talking abt osric!stiles and faab trans scott feels but it devolved into me talking abt how bitter i am that i have no money and also the utter representation fail that i feel but idk i think i found a point near the end.  

pls check me if my understanding of the world/any of my phrasings and/or subject matter is grosswrongbad uwu]

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if only i felt comfortable writing osric!stiles the way i do writing scott or meraz!derek (haven’t written him but i automatically feel more comfortable bc mexican derek yes pls)

'cos then i could potentially talk about intersectional poc issues, but…  i don't feel like i know besides in very vague terms what it's like to be of chinese descent (or east asian descent in general) in a us american context 

so how would i be able to describe the sort of complicated feelings that come from being a part of a group that is constantly seen as dirty, poor immigrants that are good for nothing more than physical labor (as per us american media) while being poor yourself

and knowing that there’s another group of people who are also seen as a largely immigrant population (even tho some of them have been in the country for several generations) but ones who are wealthy and seen as overall more valuable (since this is a country that only praises hard work when it comes from a white face)

idk idk maybe im bitter ‘cos im poor.  im overall bitter of people who come from wealthier backgrounds ‘cos we didn’t.  single mom who worked so hard i barely saw her.  a large household dependent on the money she brought in, only for her to be demonized for not being self-sufficient later in life when she had to deal with more shit than her siblings.  

and my mom would give us clothes, but insisted that the toys were either dolls or otherwise educational.  not a lot of things.  

there wasn’t much.  my mom struggled silently and while it never got as bad when i was very little like it did around the time Bush was up for re-election, we still…  it was hard.  mostly for my mom.  

and it’s different for other people, but that stayed with me.  ’cos i don’t want to be rich, necessarily, but i don’t want to have scrounge around for every penny like i do now.  

i don’t want a stolen pizza to equal me not having food for the rest of the week (which just happened fml).  

fuck idk i overidentify with shit all the damn time.  sorry for wasting your time if you’ve read this far.  

i’m dying to write abt certain bits of me but never found an outlet for it, ‘cos the creation of original characters always exhausts me and then i never finish what i wanted to say.  :/  

my approach to latinidad and living on the edge of poverty is different from how Scott would handle it.  even faab trans* scott would handle it differently.  his latinidad is distinct from mine.  his personality is distinct from mine.  

i forget that sometimes, ‘cos my desire to “write abt my demons” or w/e overrides my everything ‘cos i really do feel like i have nothing.  nothing but bits and scraps.  

what little that is out there is never enough ‘cos nobody is writing abt my family and idk how to write abt us either.  all these voices shouting inside me and idk how to speak ‘cos the words drown each other out and i am just one long wordless scream dying in a closed up throat.  

but the original purpose of this post was…  idk idk.  

stiles not getting certain bits of scott but trying and fucking up a bit and then trying harder to make up for it ‘cos he loves scott to pieces.  

but scott is me.  scott is just a pile of feelings and drawn out wails in their body like hands grasping at empty air—  and scott.  scott doesn’t get it either, sometimes.  doesn’t get what stiles is getting at ‘cos how could they possibly understand?  

but how could i write that intersection of identities if i don’t understand stiles and where he’s coming from?  i mean, i largely have issues with stiles period ‘cos it’s that bit of me i dont examine much and stiles overall does little for me (well…  osric!stiles *does* do something for me as a grown person whereas w!stiles is only interesting until the first ep and then not so much)

but my understanding of osric!stiles as it is is missing a whoooole lot, so i dont feel comfortable exploring it so much (tho oh how i wish!)

:/

sorry

  1. someothermonstra posted this
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